Breathe

Air

2008-06-01T15:12:00.003+01:00

Sometimes i can feel the creatures of the night inside the carriage. The carriage is no longer the safe-shelter I thought it was. When they are there I can't sing or think of the sun-days. There is only survival.

I can't breathe, the air is thick and thin in the same time. Thick like jellyfish and thin as on the top of a mountain. The air is fire and ice, and I can't draw it in. I can't inhale. I will suffocate. As this thought swirls through my mind, I become dizzy. I try to crawl to a corner, but the room is cirkular, and the darkness slides closer. My heart slows down, and I faint.

The sun-days

2007-10-17T21:15:00.000+01:00

This morning, I woke up and thought I was back home. But then I lookes around me, and I saw the utter darkness. Recently, this has happened more often. I sleep for days, and dream of the sun-days, but then I wake up and the darkness is surrounding me. I can't see my own hands, for the dream was so real. The sun blinded my eyes, and the grass tickled between my toes. I could breathe fresh air, not the sulphuric air where I am now. I tasted a shaving of the heaven, and now nothing tastes the same.

Maybe this is the dream and the sun-days is the reality? This dark, vast land is too cruel and cold. I can not possibly belong here.

Remember your death

2007-07-16T20:18:00.000+01:00

I can vaugely remember someone, maybe in a dream, say:
"I have to believe in a world outside my own mind."
"I have to believe that when my eyes are closed, the world's still there."

I try to believe that when I open my eyes, the world is back. The world is back like I knew it once. With sunshine, laughter and warmth. No more darkness and foul creatures in the night. I have to believe that there is still hope for me, but every day, the hope grows less and less.
Every day the Whisperers tell me that I'll never come back to my old world. Every day, every hour they whisper to me. Every day I pray that they are wrong.

I closed my eyes, and my world was gone. I closed my eyes and I woke up here. Alone and cold.
I have to believe that when I open my eyes, the world is still there.

Scream

2007-04-12T23:56:00.000+01:00

I woke up in the middle of the night, and I heard screams.
I fear that there is someone out there, just like me.

I fear that this is the last screams I ever will hear, the foul creatures of the night will consume her soul. On the other hand, I should try to save her. I should wander off into the night and save her. Save her. Save her.

My voice echoes in my head, and I realize that the screams are gone. It might have been my own, and it might have been a trick. A bait to lure me into the night. Into danger. Out of the safety of the carriage. I must not fall into temptation, must not leave to save her. Besides, how can I save her, when the train is moving, I cannot get off, and if I get off, I cannot find the train if it leaves when I'm gone.

I sit down and listen. Intense. I hear no more screams before I fall asleep.

See you

2007-03-25T22:29:00.000+01:00

Before I left home on this journey, I said; "see you". I realized too late that I wasn't supposed to see anyone for a long time. I thought that I'd be back soon, but I'm still here, in this darkness.

The foul creatures gather closely around the carriage, and my fear grows stronger every minute. I search for an escape, but there is none.

The train is slowing down, and I don't know why. If it stops, the creatures will get me, and it will die here in the darkness. All alone in the darkness. My memories of the outside world is fading. It is only the moment that brought me here that burns so brightly inside. The last moment of sanity. The fear that spreads trough the body, the hands stretching towards me, touching my bare skin, for I am all alone in a crowd, and I am cold. So cold. I could feel the chill from the dark land in my last moment of sanity. I should have screamed, I should have fought, I should have done so many things while I was sane.

The creatures gather. My last hope is the movement of the train. Please, take me back to the light.

I see you on the on the other side of the darkness.

the hour is getting late

2006-12-30T21:17:00.000+01:00

I thought I wanted to tell you something. Really, it is urgent, but now, it is too late. I am alone again. You left in such a hurry, and I did not dare to tell you the truth in public. I am afraid to come to you. I am all alone in the darkness and I dare not come to you. I have a million reasons to not go, but none of them is the truth. I have to admit, I have lied to you. Over and over again, but now, let us not talk falsely, the hour is getting late.
I am afraid to face my destiny, that is why I do not go.

Sleepless

2006-12-07T08:29:00.000+01:00

I am sleepless again. I can not sleep, nor can I be awake. My head is so full of thoughts and strange feelings that I can not close my eyes. I try to concentrate on my breathing. breathe in, breathe out. Inhale, exhale. Do. not. think. of. anything! In the darkness I see colours. In the roof, I see colours. Actually, I do not know if there is a roof, or if it is the aurora I see. Could it be something else than my insanity?

My eyes and my soul is no longer a part of my body. I am outside myself, watching. In the same time am I endlessly far away, and I am nanometers away. This is quite hard to explain, because there is no similar feeling to compare. It is like I am watching someone else, and I get surprised each time I realize it is myself, like when I reach out to touch something, I get surprised that they are not further away.
In the same time I am dizzy. It is not helping to sit down, it feels like the earth is swinging up and down. My breath echoes in my head, like there was nothing there. But it is.

Light!

2006-12-03T14:56:00.000+01:00

After travelling in the vast, dark land, I wake up and see light.
I do not know if it is only inside my head or if it is outside the carriage. I get up on my feet, and outside there is a will o' the wisp. This faint light shines for me like the sun, because I have been in utter darkness for such a long time. Before, I did not want the carriage to stop, because of the horrors in the dark, but now I want to go outside and touch it. Feel the light all over my body, feel the heat and finally be warm. All I can think of is this warm, burning, flame. I think that it moves along side the train, or maybe it exists only inside my head, but I can see it the whole day. I think about opening the window, but my last grip of sanity keeps me from it. I know that this is only a trick from the grim horrors that awaits in the darkness outside the little circle of light, to make me stop the carriage and go outside. But that does not stop me from being totally in love with the beauty of the light.
the last thing I can recall is that I fall asleep, wathcing the light as it grows fainter. The next day it is gone, and I have not seen it since.

Breathe. You are safe and sound of mind.

2006-11-30T22:35:00.000+01:00

Breathe. The Wisperers in the dark cannot reach me here. I'm safe here. As long as I sing, the Whisperers cannot reach me.
They want me to be small and afraid, they want me to become a little lump of fear. The Darkhounds and the Whisperers. I know there is a world outside this dark and cold land. The Whisperers tells me how to turn the train around, and go back. I don't trust them. There is something in their voice, something that makes me think they are tryin gto trick me into certain death. Or worse, into the Darkhounds and the Whisperers posession, wich is a faith worse than death. When I die, I hope to God (if there is one) that death is the end.
The Darkhounds will feast on my soul, so that I become a Whisperer, and trick more people into the same destiny. Breathe now. But do not go to sleep, because in the moment when my body sleeps, the Whisperers have full control of my mind, and they can tell their truths and their lies. And I will belive enery single word of it.

A blind man running

2006-11-28T13:37:00.000+01:00

I'm on a train, it's pitch black, and I have no idea how far this train will go, or if it will ever stop, and if there is a light at the end of it all. I feel like I have no control, because this is a runaway train, there is no driver, and I cant stop it, because of the utter darkness.
I am in the night land, and grim horrors await outside the carriage. I want to stop, go back to where I was before, inside the light and the warmth, but I think that the train goes in a striaght line away from the place I used to be, and I have no idea where it will end. It's cold, and I don't have enough warm clothes. I can't find anything to put on myself, and I can't find the light-switch. I can hear the distant howling of the darkhounds, and I know they are out there, seeking for me, because I think I know their nature. They are fowl and viscious, and they seek to comsume my soul. I have to find a way to turn the train around.